Big Adult Decisions

I'm heading to Dallas for the coming Thanksgiving weekend but this is not the "over-the-river-and thru-the-woods" sort of Holiday scene coming up.

As noted previously my father is 86 and his wife (my step-mom but I've never thought of her in that way as she married my father after I left home) are both struggling with the waning years of their lives.

My father is in pretty fair shape but at 86 that is relative. He has a very bad back and fought cancer twice, two heart attacks so he's had his share of physical troubles. His wife just had a hip replacement due to a break. The bigger issue here is her advancing Alzheimers (or dementia - I confess I don't know the medical or psychological difference between the two) which is making care for her difficult.

So her oldest son (about my age) and I plan to get together and see what we can do to help. I can't say I know what my father is feeling but I can guess. He's coming (or not) to grips with the loss of independence. Realizing he can no longer physically or emotionally care for his wife of some 30 years. But like so many of us, he's in some stage of denial about her condition, his own physical limits and making the hard, very hard choices about what to do next.

I've never been nervous about a visit home before but I don't exactly know what to do or say. I don't have any great answers for this one. I may have some OK ideas but how do you know when it is time to tell your father, "Dad, I/we insist that you ..." and put some teeth or muscle behind that and make some things happen. How do you know when it is finally time to step completely out from under his authority and turn-the-tables so to speak and begin telling him what to do?

I don't know where the book is that tells you how to handle these types of situations. And Thanksgiving is not supposed to be the time to do this sort of thing. I just know this is what I'm supposed to do - Go. And then when I get there hopefully I'll find some answers.

Thanks for any guidance and of course your prayers.

Change?

I can't take credit for the idea here, I'm merely using the ability of the internet as a tool to pass things along.

In Barb Nicolosi's blog (which if you are interested in faith and the arts - especially the intersection of movies and our faith - you should check her out.)

Look at this list of name: CHANGE?

Joe Biden, VP; Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State; Rahm Emmanuel, Chief of Staff;
Tom Daschle, Sec of Health and Human Services. If these people represent "change" as promised by Obama ... this sounds more like "the usual suspects."

Maybe I’m becoming a liberal

OK not on many things and I hope not on the core important things but I was watching a movie earlier this week with my daughter (the hippie chick one!)

She got the Visitor.

An interesting movie and I guess any movie that makes you think about your positions, opinions etc. can’t be all bad. Sometimes we just have our mind-sets re-confirmed and other times it does one of those “stretching” things where our mind takes on a slightly new shape.

Maybe the Visitor did that. For those who haven’t seen it I won’t reveal any spoilers here.

One issue that didn’t end up (overtly at least) playing a big role in the campaign for POTUS was immigration.

Maybe because it has become the new 3rd rail of politics – replacing Social Security of years gone by. What is going to replace Social Security as the years go by anyway?
I used to live in a border state and from my earliest days I recall the impact of immigration.

My first brush was in the early 60s, which if memory serves me correctly, a large influx of Cuban immigrants ended up in Texas. We had one in our school. Surprisingly enough I can still recall his name – Raul Hernandez. I also remember he was big and tall and by High School ended up being a lineman on our football team.
At the same time he entered our school we were just beginning to hear the rumblings in integration – this was the south remember – and then added to this was the influx of new people of another skin color.

I wish I remembered how I felt or treated him but I really don’t but I digress again.
Every time I return home to Dallas I am reminded of how immigration is changing our country and how I don’t really know or understand how I feel about it.

The Visitor didn’t resolve all my issues; it just got me to thinking about it again. And I guess I need something new to think about.

The basic story revolves around a couple of young Muslim immigrants and what happens to them. I can’t imagine the conditions under which people would risk their lives or livelihoods to come here. I also can’t imagine what happens when they confront the faceless bureaucracy of our government. Before anyone over-reacts, I’m not about releasing potential or possible terrorists from Gitmo or similar facilities but I also wonder how many accidentals; people who managed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and with the added burden of the wrong skin color or religion and ended up in something akin to the vast warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark; a place where people we don’t know how to handle go to wither and die.

I can’t say much more without spoiling what is a tender, sad, thoughtful movie. It is rated PG-13 although I have no idea why. My daughter caught a couple of F-bombs early but honestly; if I didn’t hear them (OK I don’t hear anything anymore!) … Beyond this possible exception for language, it should not offend anybody.

Sad, strange and true.

This is not going to be an uplifting entry but it happened yesterday so I'd like to write it while fresh and perhaps to get it out of my head.

Tuesday was Vets Day - THANKS TO ALL OF YOU EVERYWHERE; ESPECIALLY MY DAD! - so I was home and able to walk the dogs early. They are always snuffling about in the grass and sometimes they come back smelling pretty bad!

This morn we crested a small rise in our pasture and they stopped in their tracks. I began looking for what might have spooked them and quickly saw a large deer just ahead and to my left - maybe 25 feet away. It only took a quick second to realize this buck was not going anywhere.

Somehow the poor fellow had impaled himself on a t-post. (For you non-farmers, a t-post is a steel fence post formed in the shape of a "t") All I can figure is he was jumping the fence in the dark and didn't quite make it over and came down on the post. I found him hanging their - quite dead of course.

The dogs of course were curious so it took some coaxing to get them to move on. I was in a hurry so couldn't do anything about him at that moment.

Later in the day I removed him from the post so he wouldn't have to hang there forever. He was an 8-point buck and I guess weighed maybe 125 pounds or more. A pretty big guy - at least he felt like it trying to move him around. We sort of have an animal graveyard off the beaten path so I drug him there. We long ago gave up digging holes to bury all our dead animals. When you raise them, death happens and you have to handle it in the most efficient way possible.

We will survive

I remember in 1992 when Clinton beat Bush 41 and the thinking was, "It's over." I'm not saying it was good but we muddled through Monica and a couple of "-gates".

It is not so apparent to everyone but the 1992 election also brought us the 1994 "Contract with America" which allowed the GOP to take control of the House and keep Clinton on the defensive for some time. It was far from perfect but it helped the GOP come together on a national level. Maybe after everybody licks there wounds ...

Now that it is over, (OK officially it isn't - the fat lady hasn't sung yet but she is in the wings and ready to come on stage) the GOP needs to takes lessons learned from watching Obama's success at getting out the vote, energizing people, getting them excited. When was the last time anyone was excited about a Republican nominee for President? Try 1988 and Ronald Reagan. Look back at the years, Bush, Dole, another Bush, then McCain. I'll give McCain lots of credit for a good game but nobody in that list was exciting.

We shouldn't elect a President based on that factor any more than we should based on how much money a candidate raises. But it is a modern fact-of-life that those things matter to some (OK lots of) people. The GOP needs to start grooming younger candidates, they need a farm club equivalent for young Republicans. Someplace they can go and learn the ropes, how to run campaigns, start to win state-level races and work their way up through the ranks.

Or maybe if enough young people have not found a home in the GOP, they will have enough critical mass to start an effective 3rd party. The mainstream media keep talking about the huge number of independents. I heard CNN use a figure as high as 30%. I don't believe that but I guess the number is growing.

A final thought. I won't be good at this but I shared with a group of friends on Monday that what we can do Wednesday morning is pray. The Bible says (first Timothy 2:2) to pray for our leaders (OK it really says "those in authority".) William Bennett said tonight on CNN that he would pray for Obama. If we believe what we say we believe, we should too.

I just went outside a little while ago to look at the stars - they are just really something in the cool fall night air, but while outside I did pray for Obama and confessed in my prayer that I would not do this well but I think it is what we are supposed to do. And when we consider the vastness of the stars, and who made them, our little troubles here on earth seem pretty tiny.

Last words on the election

The voting is about half-over and I'd like to get some things out before the results are in.

I still think we are in for a landslide for Obama.

Months ago I suggested McCain agree to run only for one term. Today I heard Paul Begala say that if McCain had done that, the outcome might be different. Remember where you heard that first!

Palin - while I was happy with the choice on some levels, she has not helped. She only kept some folks in the GOP camp who were unhappy with McCain. I don't think she brought new people in. She just gave the existing "choir" something new to sing about. If Hillary was the opponent, then Palin would have helped more. Against Obama, she has not helped and this may be more the fault of the party people who told McCain how to run his campaign. I think when this is all over, people will say Palin cost McCain a chance but I think those who managed her will be more at fault than her own lack of experience and verbal stumbles along the way.

I hope that before we do this again, things change with the way we elect our President. If the founding fathers had known about negative ads, attack ads, direct mail, robo-calling (add your own favorite to this list), they'd have written things differently. It may have come from a Jim Carrey movie but I'd like a balloon to follow every candidate around and when they stray from the truth, it lights up and says "Liar, liar!" Same for the media - if they twist a position to make a point about their favorite, the same balloon should light up.

People criticize Obama for using so much money (I heard $700 million) to run. McCain on the other hand took a bunch of our money using Federal matching dollars or however that system works. I think the funding issue needs to be looked at again. I don't see why we should pay in one way or another for somebody to run for office. But I also don't think one single euro or piaster or drachma should be allowed to make into the coffers of any candidate. I think some of the campaign finance laws are stupid. But there should be plenty of ways to prohibit foreign money from getting into the mix. If we can track bad meat all the way back to a farm in some state through tagging etc. to keep our food supply safe, surely we can track money coming in to a political campaign. Plus I think $700 million is obscene.

Regardless of the final outcome, I'll be glad when it is over.

Older part II

Not trying to be maudlin but I spent the weekend either in a car or in-and-out of nursing homes and this has made me think even more about so-called end-of-life issues.

I'm not about to weigh in on euthanasia or anything close to that.

My father is 86 and doing OK. He has some physical issues but for that age, I'd say he is doing pretty well. His wife, who technically is my step-mother - although I've never really thought of her that way since she and my dad married after I left home - is not doing so well.

She broke her hip a few weeks ago and had hip-replacement surgery. From that specifically she seems to be recovering quite well. But several months ago we noticed some lapses in her memory. My dad only recently began to acknowledge this. When we arrived this weekend, on our first trip to see her, she didn't recognize us and didn't want us in her room. Over the course of three days she sometimes remembered us, often did not but even during moments of lucidity had to ask over and over again who we were etc. I guess you can recognize the symptoms.

The nursing home she is in for now is nice, in fact rated #1 by Fortune Magazine. I had no idea they rated such things! But every hallway and the waiting room, lobbies, lounges etc. were filled with folks usually sitting in their wheel-chairs or just parked in a chair or in some cases aimlessly walking around. Some obviously had more than just physical issues to deal with.

Later we ventured to Arkansas where I have a 96 year old uncle also in a nursing home. He is mostly blind, can't walk, barely eats but his mind seems as sharp as ever. But with bad eyesight and very little hearing, even some simple pleasures like listening to music or watching TV are out of his reach. We had a good chat and apart from the fact that he either just sits in a chair until he gets tired or lays in his bed, he seems to be doing OK.

Quality of life is a dangerous term and just as I don't want anybody else defining my quality of life, I won't attempt to define or judge anybody else's.

What this has got me to thinking about in earnest since I am approaching my 56th anniversary of arrival on earth, is what will the latter years of my own life be like?

I've heard this line used so often it is a cliche but "I don't want to be a burden to anybody," really hit me much harder this weekend. I'm not saying any of my family are a burden. My dad is taking care of himself and his wife so far and I have a cousin who looks after my uncle. So I don't say that from a position of being bothered.

I worry about my own children and what they will end up having to do for me when I need physical or mental care on some level that I am not able to handle on my own. My oldest daughter just got out on her own with her new husband and I can't imagine her having to travel back here to take care of me or my wife. I know she would do it in a heartbeat without complaint.

Nothing profound to say, no decisions reached - just realizing the future realities we all face. I'll be doing more thinking on this.