Older part II

Not trying to be maudlin but I spent the weekend either in a car or in-and-out of nursing homes and this has made me think even more about so-called end-of-life issues.

I'm not about to weigh in on euthanasia or anything close to that.

My father is 86 and doing OK. He has some physical issues but for that age, I'd say he is doing pretty well. His wife, who technically is my step-mother - although I've never really thought of her that way since she and my dad married after I left home - is not doing so well.

She broke her hip a few weeks ago and had hip-replacement surgery. From that specifically she seems to be recovering quite well. But several months ago we noticed some lapses in her memory. My dad only recently began to acknowledge this. When we arrived this weekend, on our first trip to see her, she didn't recognize us and didn't want us in her room. Over the course of three days she sometimes remembered us, often did not but even during moments of lucidity had to ask over and over again who we were etc. I guess you can recognize the symptoms.

The nursing home she is in for now is nice, in fact rated #1 by Fortune Magazine. I had no idea they rated such things! But every hallway and the waiting room, lobbies, lounges etc. were filled with folks usually sitting in their wheel-chairs or just parked in a chair or in some cases aimlessly walking around. Some obviously had more than just physical issues to deal with.

Later we ventured to Arkansas where I have a 96 year old uncle also in a nursing home. He is mostly blind, can't walk, barely eats but his mind seems as sharp as ever. But with bad eyesight and very little hearing, even some simple pleasures like listening to music or watching TV are out of his reach. We had a good chat and apart from the fact that he either just sits in a chair until he gets tired or lays in his bed, he seems to be doing OK.

Quality of life is a dangerous term and just as I don't want anybody else defining my quality of life, I won't attempt to define or judge anybody else's.

What this has got me to thinking about in earnest since I am approaching my 56th anniversary of arrival on earth, is what will the latter years of my own life be like?

I've heard this line used so often it is a cliche but "I don't want to be a burden to anybody," really hit me much harder this weekend. I'm not saying any of my family are a burden. My dad is taking care of himself and his wife so far and I have a cousin who looks after my uncle. So I don't say that from a position of being bothered.

I worry about my own children and what they will end up having to do for me when I need physical or mental care on some level that I am not able to handle on my own. My oldest daughter just got out on her own with her new husband and I can't imagine her having to travel back here to take care of me or my wife. I know she would do it in a heartbeat without complaint.

Nothing profound to say, no decisions reached - just realizing the future realities we all face. I'll be doing more thinking on this.

We are getting old.

Not to be morose but of late my extended family is aging and getting sicker.

I have an uncle in his 90s who is bedridden in a nursing home and can't really do anything but eat and when they prop him up in a chair he can sit for awhile.

My dad is 86 and OK but weak from trying to care for his wife who just had a hip-replacement. He's only able to spend about an hour a day with her at the hospital. She also is beginning to show some Alzheimers which is making things doubly hard on my dad.

One detail that makes this harder to accept is how very large my dad's family (all my aunts and uncles) used to be. There were 12 at one time all living. My grandmother died in 1970 and then one by one her children have died off leaving only 4 - my dad, his brother James mentioned above, an aunt Amy in her 90s and aunt Ida Mae in her late 70s or maybe early 80s. One of the saddest things is as each one died, hardly any of the the surviving brothers or sisters were able to attend the funerals.

I know that all this awaits my own children someday but I'd like to spare them the heartache, the hard work and whatever else goes along with growing old. But I know we'll do what we need to do and so will they.

And the world will spin around a few more times.